Solar Youthamatic (Version: 233.54)
Hamen peered at the solar density/mass scanner. He turned
You left this way too late y know.
Mantorgan, the Elder of the planet Kalor, which orbited
the star known as Kelmor, was quite hurt by this
accusation. Requiring great effort to make his
mouth, which was shaped like two bananas stuck together,
speak a Human language, he retorted: We only
came into contact with alien life forms last week.
Thats no excuse. Do you realise your
sun will go nova in less than two Kalor years!
Its very dangerous to leave it that late, He
So can you still help? Mantorgan was getting
quite worried. If he didnt do something about
this his species would be wiped out in less than two
years. While he was the oldest Kalorean alive, he
intended it to stay that way for at least another eight
Of course, said Parovich, opening his
presentation brochure, The procedure can still be
carried out right up until about a month before nova is
due to occur.
Mantorgan made an expression of relief, which involved
opening his mouth as wide as it would go and showing his
eight tongues, which swayed slightly, like grass in a
light breeze. Parovich was physically sick.
When the mess had been cleaned up Parovich continued with
the presentation: The Solar Youthamatic
Version:233.54 works on a system of introducing energy,
via a zero-point power generator into your sun, causing
nuclear fusion to cease and causing nuclear fission to
start. When set correctly fission will create
just as much energy as fusion, and your planet will be
saved, Parovich paused for a breath.
Just one, Mantorgan said. How
much will this cost?
Standard service costs about 4,000 space
I dont have any space dollars,
Youll have to sell something, then.
There was a MTok who said it woud buy
twenty thousand tons of Havrogdan Grain from us.
But it was only willing to pay two hundred space
I can sell you one of the earlier versions of the
Solar Youthamatic in the form of a do-it-yourself
kit. Parovich proposed. Mantorgan grudgingly
Mantorgan looked at
the instruction manual. It read: Thankyou for
purchasing the Solar Youthamatic, Version: 2.3.
Before activating, first find out the mass/density ratio
of the star you wish to use the device on. He
turned to the vice elder, Groron. Whats the
mass/density ratio of Kelmor?
How should I know? Barked Groron.
Youre the one who thought you could figure
this out by yourself.
Well, lets just forgo that part, then. Groron
dispised the fact that the oldest Kalorean got to be the
leader when he was obviously more suited to the
job. Mantorgan was just senile. Montargon read
on: Once youve figured out your
mass/density ratio, input the figure into your Soar
Youthamatic Version:2.33, using the units of
Okay, theres another part to skip.
Whats next. Groron didnt like the sound
of this. What part to skip? You cant go
skipping anything, it could cause the destruction of our
entire society! he panicked.
Nonsense. They dont expect you to
follow the directions exactly. Its just not
reasonable. Please, just pay Parovich on an
I aint doing that! Have you any idea how much
interest would build up? Wed end up paying
more than triple the original cost. He read on:
Next, aim your Youthamatic Version:2.3 at your
required star and activate. Montargon Turned to
Groron. Call back Parovich.
After setting the Solar Youthamatic Version 233.54 up
Parovich returned to the surface of Kalor. Now,
whatever you do, please remember to turn off your Solar
Youthamatic within 18 billion years, otherwise your star
will be completely fissed and the effects will be as
devastating as if you allowed it to go nova.
Will do, Montargon assured him.
billion years later... The streets of Kalor were lined
with a strange writing which nobody could understand,
although it was obvious to everyone that it was the same
words repeated over and over again. Nobody knew
what they said, but the elder at the time, Juju, had
ordered all the experts on the planet to work on
deciphering this strange dialect. One day while walking
around the palace gardens Juju happened to look up into
the sky and he noticed something quite odd. The sun
was increasing in size, and the light it was producing
was dimming. This didnt bother Juju.
Hed always known that fire dies out when it runs
out of fuel, and assumed the ancestral spirits would
create another fireball in the sky. The head scientist,
Habfortan, came running towards him. She looked
quite excited, her eight tongues were all moving around
in the form of semicircles. We have translated the
ancient message! she announced.
Really? And what does it say? by
now they were standing in almost pitch darkness.
Dont forget to turn the Youthamatic
What does that mean?
At that moment an androgynous blue space alien was
passing the Kemor system in its blue space
ship and noticed that bright expanding flash of a star
somebody forgot to read the safety warning on their solar
It chuckled. Solar
Youthamatic safety warning (all versions):
Remember, its safer to turn your Youthamatic off a
few years early than not at all.